Where We Are This Week
Skateparks, stolen valor, and How to Negotiate for Peace between Russia and Ukraine for Dummies.
Military Men
So, I’ve had an entire week to think about this one. Tim Walz, the man who has been billed as America’s favorite dad, my neighbor and yours, and the most right-leaning leftie in the biz, was accused of stolen valor.
I love the internet.
I was introduced to the concept of ‘stolen valor’ by my brother-in-law some time ago. As I originally understood it, there were videos that went viral of a few losers who were larping as veterans getting exposed by veterans with literally nothing better to do. Think Hendrix wearing a British military jacket in London and causing a fuss but infinitely less cool.
In a brilliant move of 4-D chess, Tim Walz has been, let’s say, exaggerating his military service ever since he entered politics in 2005. Walz did serve in the National Guard for over 20 years but didn’t serve overseas in active war in the ways he’s repeatedly implied.
Walz has suggested that he ‘carried weapons of war’ in war and that he was deployed overseas during the Iraq War which would lead anyone to assume he was somewhere near Baghdad when, in fact, he was stationed in Italy. What do the Iraqis call the Iraq War? Our War.
Walz retired conveniently before his battalion received the call to serve in an active theater of war, and in 2021 he insinuated he spent time at Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan during his Guard duty.
Walz did visit the base at Bagram while he was a US Representative but his recollection of that one night in Afghanistan was positioned neatly next to a reference to his National Guard service. Here’s the quote, you tell me what you think he means.
“I had the privilege of serving in this state's national guard. I stood one night in the dark of night on the tarmac at Bagram Air Base in Iraq and watched a military ramp ceremony–a soldier’s body being loaded onto a plane to be returned home. And if you've seen it, you don't leave the same. It makes you wonder, what are we doing? What are we trying to get to? And then watching as all of you have been, the confusing last few weeks with the Taliban takeover of Afghanistan.”
For starters, Bagram is in Afghanistan, not Iraq.
What do you bet, after his announcement as the VP pick, that he’s no longer confused at all about the Taliban recapturing Afghanistan and thinks the operation was expertly handled?
Now, the 4-D chess part of all of this is that he got Republicans unironically shouting, “stolen valor!” at a crowd who literally couldn’t care less.
J.D. Vance, for his part, has been awfully critical of Walz’s fibbing. For the last week or so, it’s been an attack line for Trump’s righthand man, and justly so, as Vance served in the US Marines during the Iraq War.
Isn’t it funny how communication works? If I just left it there, you’d think Vance was in the muck with the best of ‘em, digging trenches, toppling regimes, and the like, right? Vance typically stops at that point, too.
He was a public relations officer for the Marines and served as an enlisted ‘military journalist.’ Talk about an oxymoron. What’s he going to say? “Abu Ghraib wasn’t as bad as it looks.” A journalist under the employ of the military telling the truth is about as likely as it is under CNN’s watch. Just ask Kaitlan Collins.
What no one is saying, while we’re all glorifying military service, is what enlisting says about the individual — it’s not what it used to be. Maybe being fooled by the industrial military complex, Clinton, the Bushes, and their cronies isn’t something anyone should be celebrating.
Since the Korean War, it’s been one international blunder after the other culminating with the unceremonious, shameful withdrawal from Afghanistan in 2021, so if it were me, I wouldn’t be wearing my voluntary military with some sort of moral superiority. If you served in the armed forces post-Vietnam, God bless you, but I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.
Cops and soldiers, soldiers and cops. I just might rather vote for the guy who had the sense to dodge the draft for Vietnam than someone who’s clinging to the idea of American nobility abroad.
We love a good war, that’s what makes heroes. In about thirty years, I’ll be voting for the number one drone pilot of the Great MidEast-Ruso-Ukranian-Venezualan Civil War for Taiwanese Independence with such alacrity it’ll make your head spin.
So, it’s nothing new. While we’re on the subject, does anyone remember how many purple hearts John Kerry has?
A Free Lesson in Diplomacy
Can’t someone ask Putin and Zelensky to press pause?
I’ll call.
Russia:
“Listen, Putty Tat, I know you’re real serious about killing nazis in Kiev and all, and me and the boys really do know how much you love that Crimea — you really do, don’t you? — but would you mind not bombing civilians and emptying your prisons to add to your ranks for a just a few more months while we sort out our president situation? Putin, you’re a doll. Do I need a food taster?”
Ukraine:
“Volodymyr! Hey, man, you ever notice how close your names are? That’s probably some common ground, right? Anyway, I know you’re having a ball with all those long range missiles we’ve been giving you, and I know we gave you the go-ahead on the whole pipeline thing — how about all those suckers who that the Russians did it?!? — but could you not aggravate a nuclear power while our president has been forced into early retirement? Pretty please? We’ll make you a NATO member…Well, no, not Ukraine, just you. We have some pretty sweet varsity jackets.”
Donald Trump has said he could end the Russian-Ukraine War in 24 hours. Well, how about 24 seconds? This lesson in diplomacy has been provided to you for free by none other than The Common Denominator’s School for International Relations and General Excellency.
Harris for President — and Peace in Ukraine!
I don’t blame Ukraine. It’s not sustainable to only play defense all the time, you’ve got to take a shot on goal every once in a while.
It’s just that when you’re playing with other people’s toys (namely the US’s) you might need to play with a little more restraint.
Do you guys even remember the war in Ukraine? It hasn’t stopped and, unfortunately, shows no stop of slowing down.
This month, Ukrainian forces invaded Russian territory in the Kursk Oblast and captured large swathes of the region. The Ukrainians claimed to have captured 1,000 square kilometers of Russian territory (which is a lot for all of you degenerates stuck on imperial measurements) and the Kremlin has confirmed that at least 28 settlements have been taken over by opposition forces.
Ukraine is hoping to establish a humanitarian corridor for those seeking asylum or refuge from the warfare in the coming days and, so far, the incursion has forced the evacuation of over 100,000 Russians. I won’t be holding my breath for all of the West to remind Ukraine one thousand times how they must not commit war crimes while they try to win the war.
In fairness to Ukraine, does Russia even need that piece of land? I think they stand to lose some territory here or there. Ukraine hasn’t nearly captured all that’s pictured in red above, but I think they could do a land-for-peace deal since we all know how well those work in the Middle East.
Seriously, though, can’t they just stop until January when the next president takes over? Joe Biden has been on yet another beach vacation for the last week and it’s not like he’s even being president when he’s showing up to work.
I’ve said before that I don’t think that the president deserves vacations. An hour or two here or there, fine. But vacations? No, especially if you’ve only got four months left of your one and only term. Surely, you can tough it out without working on a sweet hairy-legged tan in Delaware.
My goodness, can you imagine Kamala Harris negotiating a ceasefire between the two nations?
“You see, Vladimir, you ever notice how similar your names are? [uncontrollable laughter] Ukraine is a country in Europe and Russia is a much bigger country in Europe. Well, partly in Asia, too. [more laughter] I guess it’s kinda like a vin diagram where part of your country is in one place and the other is in another place. You see, a ceasefire is just a fancy word for peace. [noticing Putin might be an ethnic minority] In other words, all you gotta say to Zelensky is ‘you drop yo gat, we’ll drop our gats!’…Hello?”
Call me crazy, I just want to know who is actually running the country before nuclear war breaks out. Call me crazy twice because roleplaying that scenario convinced me that I really want Kamala Harris to be our next president. She obviously will have the best negotiating tactic of any of them. All Zelensky and Putin have to do is imagine what could be, unburdened by what has been.
Sk8er Boi
I have to admit, I haven’t had my ear to the ground as seriously as I usually do this week.
We’ve had a lot going on over at chez Arnolds. My best friend from childhood has been in town with his family and it’s been a mile a minute packing a year’s worth of hangouts in the span of six days.
Not only did our families get to catch up with each other, but the gang and I finished a three Dungeons and Dragons campaign last weekend. I didn’t get home until 3am that night and if you’ve noticed a drop in my performance for this week’s newsletter, I blame that session five days ago.
Of course, to add to my plate, my hometown opened a public skatepark three weeks ago, and, obviously, I’m obligated to go every spare half hour. I’ve petitioned for a skatepark in my town, I’ve badgered my mayor personally about it, and held events to show the strength of the skate community in our town. About four years after I gave up doing any of that, it finally opened.
Skateboarding is more of an art than anything but with the added constraint of the unforgiving concrete beneath you. I think having an activity that is constantly reacquainting you with the unyielding reality of life keeps you grounded in a metaphorical and literal sense.
It’s hard to believe just anything when you’ve hurt yourself in a thousand ways in one afternoon. Skateboarding, more than any other artistic endeavor, teaches consequences. I don’t get bruises from playing the wrong chord or writing an ugly sentence — but maybe that would force me to improve.
It’s addictive in that regard. It’s just a microcosm of life; it’s not about being the best, it’s about expression, and striving to be better. I won’t attempt to sublimate it too much, though, because, like DnD, it’s just fun.
When, in my late eighties, I’m surrounded by 12 children and 44 grandchildren, they’ll ask with eager faces and bated breath, “Grandpappy, when you knew World War III was on the way, what did you do to stop it?”
To which I’ll respond, “I spent my nights pretending to be a human-turtle sorcerer vanquishing my enemies and conquering lands and my days working on kickflips.”
To a better next week,
Cheers,
~FDA