Help! I can't stop talking about Greenland!
My land is Greenland; your land is Greenland.
Forget the moon. Forget Mars. America is about to colonize Greenland.
In the very first piece I ever wrote for my newsletter, I lamented that there were no new lands for humanity to explore or inhabit. Boy, was I wrong, how could I have overlooked the barren, ice-laden paradise of Greenland? What are the Danes even doing with it?
‘Not much’ is the answer. After unification with Denmark for more than 200 years, there is no New Copenhagen to speak of. It is not an island of cheese pastries and Schnapps and could only dream of the cycling and footballing exports heralded by its mother country.
If Greenland had belonged to America for the last two centuries, per the wishes of Abe Lincoln’s Secretary of State William H. Seward, Greenland would be a wasteland not of ice but of McDonald’s, nuclear launch sites, and North Pole-themed amusement parks. As our part living, part deceased soon-to-be-former president would say, ‘Come on.’
During Donald Trump’s first term, he expressed a desire to purchase Greenland for the ol’ red, white, and blue but was rebuffed by whoever was in charge of the socialist, hippie commune those atheist Lutherans call a country. Now, however, as Trump enters his second and final(?) term, his lust for the world’s largest is reaching a new public height.
The former president posted several times on social media his desire to acquire Greenland, and his chief offspring, Don Jr. and MAGA commissar Charlie Kirk traveled to the arctic island this week to give the locals a taste of what it will be like to be American. Word has it they played nothing but Toby Keith and Poison and tossed AR-15s and honey buns into the crowd to rave reviews.
The global order has pretty much had a ‘hands-off’ policy when it comes to the poles, reserving Antarctica for collaborative scientific research (and Nazi hideouts, of course) and the North Pole for all those bags of unread letters. With the posturing of Russian and Chinese naval fleets past Alaska last year and the former’s hypersonic weapons, the top of the globe is becoming a more critical territory for exploration and defense.
In WWII, after Denmark fell to the Third Reich, the United States occupied Greenland for military and strategic purposes. Even then, the military was called to destroy small facilities Nazi Germany had erected in the frozen outpost. Since then, Greenland has returned to the welcoming arms of Danish royalty but has become increasingly ‘independent’ throughout the last several decades.
The territory is virtually self-governing, and a nationalist movement is growing amongst the population of 60,000 or so Greenlanders, but that’s what happens when a small town gets uppity. The local government relies on massive subsidies from Denmark while trade with the European country accounts for 60% of Greenland’s economy. I mean, how autonomous can you be?
If your ‘country’ can’t sustain itself without trade from one single nation, then maybe you might as well be a part of that country. Writing this, I realize I did just make a case for Canada to become part of the Union. Writing this, I realize I did just make the case for the United States and its newly annexed territories of Canada and Greenland to be absolved by China. Xi, toss me in with the Uyghurs, why don’t ya?
With an economy that is basically fish and the products of a few mines, once it becomes the property of Uncle Sam, a few private prisons up there would pay for its entry in convenience alone! Be honest, an American Gulag has got a pretty nice ring to it.
Apparently, Trump hasn’t ruled out the possibility of taking the northern territory by force — which would be wild and unlikely — but hear me out. Denmark and Canada were technically at war from 1973 to 2022 over the administration of Hans Island, a tiny barren rock of an island between Greenland and Canada. No shots were ever fired — which sounds like the most Canadian war ever — and the end result was mutual victory. Both nations agreed to split the island down the middle without pulling a punch.
Yes, the land was irrelevant. Yes, it’s a goofy piece of history that united the two countries in a way war typically doesn’t. Does it also demonstrate to the United States that Nuuk is ripe for the taking? Hell yeah, it does.
In all seriousness, the question of acquiring Greenland is a realpolitik moment. It’s an aspect of Trump that could make him very effective over the next four years. It has proven to work for him in the past — bypassing Palestine to work on the Abraham Accords, forcing NATO members to pay up their fair share of the defense budget, and pulling out of the Iran Nuclear Deal.
If the invasion of Ukraine by Russia (however much American provocation had anything to do with it) showed that real political and military powerhouses in the world still play by the old rules. China didn’t hesitate to take over Hong Kong and will only continue to encroach on Taiwan’s ‘independence.’ I don’t know how much of Ukraine Russia actually wants to govern, but it’s obviously not zero. Azerbaijan kicked the Armenians out of their homeland, and Venezuela is still eyeing up Guyana.
Western nations operate in a fanciful world that presumes good intentions and common goals. Maybe that works for a handful of nations, but it flatly contradicts the role nation-states and leaders have played in world history. Borders move, territory changes hands, and then we pretend as if the latest iteration is how it always was and always will be.
Land matters. Maybe we’re too caught up in whether TikTok should take up real estate in our minds to be concerned about resources and who has them. Don’t take it from me, though, I’ve only won a bunch of games of Risk and Settlers of Catan.
If the earth is really going through a warming period that continues, new shipping lanes in the Arctic will emerge, and more of the northern territories will be habitable and exploitable. So, what if we lose the tip of Florida? We’ll have a new territory bigger than Alaska to move to. It’s perhaps the longest-term goal I’ve ever seen a politician openly state.
Of course, it’s not all cerebral with Trump. He might just want Greenland because it’s big. After all, his administration is making a priority of renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. It’s stupid for a bunch of reasons but the main one is because it’s antihistorical.
Attributing the gulf to Mexico was established long before America even had a gulf coastline. The coastline was mainly Spanish settlements with some French, so changing it now is revisionist history. Ought we rename America since it was named after an Italian? Should we name it something more American? The United States of the Dallas Cowboys.
I don’t mind nationalism as much as I do this particular type of mouthbreathing nationalism. It’s like making schoolchildren pledge their allegiance to the flag for no other reason than fear of the commies overseas or like when Turkey’s President Erdogan announced the new spelling of the country’s name, Türkiye — not that the new spelling had cultural significance but because he didn’t like that the name of his country was spelled the same as a big dumb bird.
Imperialism isn’t a thing of the past. It’s just quieter and more deceitful than it used to be. King Leopold II of Belgium was the sole owner of the Congo. Britain imposed Christianity on a people that basically founded organized religion.
It doesn’t happen like that anymore. It happens through loans, subsidies, military bases, and proxy wars. There’s only one side I’m rooting for in the Ukraine-Russia War, but I’m not so delusional to think that the conflict isn’t anything more than a proxy for Western vs Eastern imperialism. Afghanistan was a failed project, whereas Korea was a borderline success.
It’s an unavoidable fact that while the American and European leaders (largely) renovate the egalitarian principles of the Enlightenment, elsewhere, they’re aspiring to the triumphs of the Mongols. No matter how despicable the West may be at times, it warrants strengthening.
America should pursue a policy of limited Manifest Destiny where only by mutual consent do we annex foreign lands into the fold — with the caveat that all states and territories will be able to practice meaningful self-governance. After all, choice is the fundamental principle that undergirds the Western enterprise.
So, keep Greenland Greenland — but make it America. Make imperialism great. again.
To a better next week,
Cheers,
~FDA
I have to say I have no problem with changing the name of the Gulf. Humans have renamed Continents, Territories, Countries, Cities, Oceans, Rivers and so on. The Gulf is adjacent to North America, Central America and South America. So it’s not a big leap to call it the Gulf of America. Just because it has been called the Gulf of Mexico for a long time doesn’t require it to never change, a point you referenced in your post, I will address next. I happen to like the sound of The Gulf of America, I have spent many vacations on those shores.
On the pledge of allegiance scenario. I understand one not wanting to pledge their allegiance to a symbol, state or anything for that matter. Some Christian religions do not wish to take part in the pledge. However, I grew up in the era of doing so every day in school. As a child I never felt that I was doing something untoward. I was simply acknowledging how lucky we are to be born in America and to be proud citizens of America. It wasn’t until much later on in life that I became aware of some aspects of America that I wasn’t proud of. However every thing including countries have to be looked at as a whole, and the USA is still something to be proud of and offers more opportunities than anywhere on earth. So sorry to be long winded, but those days of youth solidarity to our country are very much missed in my estimation. We could use some better understanding of our country and pride in ourselves and country. So a little bit of Pledge in the mornings might go a long way in the long run.
That’s all, fingers are tired, haha